Welcome to The Charley Horse Times!
The Charley Horse Times will soon be available in print on college campuses* all over the nation. In the mean time, please enjoy** this "rough cut" - our online edition.
*"Campus" may include, but is not limited to, "strip mall," "industrial park off the Interstate" or "that couch in your parents' basement where you consider calling that blonde chick with the 80s bangs from the University of Phoneix commercials."
** Not you. Get the fuck out of here. Issues are being discussed that will go over your head so far and so fast they'll circle the planet and go over your head a second, third, and fourth time.
Feature 1:
Charley Horse is a stupid term for an incredibly painful muscle cramp
I remember the first time I got a charley horse. I had been looking forward to it for a while, actually. Who wouldn't, with such a lighthearted and friendly name?
I had prepared for it, hoping to woo it, like a first lover. I lit candles. I put on "Pure Moods." I bought flowers, which I later ate in a drunken haze because I had mistaken them for a cookie bouquet. But to make up for depriving the very classy and high-maintenance charley horse of her floral tribute, I drank 14 shots, was severely dehydrated, and fell asleep under my leg. As I drifted off into sleep, I thought of nothing but joyfully riding a charley horse on the open range.
to be completed....
Article one:
No one fucking likes you, reasons 50-20.
I dedicate this list to all of those who, for varying reasons, from simple social timidness to needing a pardon from the governor to stop an execution minutes before midnight, are forced to associate with, communicate with, and generally "hang" with massive douchebags. This may be the douchebag who pays half the rent, the one who Knows Or Is Related To Very Important People, or the douchebag with deep enough pockets that being around them is like prostitution, though less sticky. Regardless of your individual situation, this list has been compiled to let you know that you're not alone, and the crimes commited against you will not be forgotten.
From this point on, the "you" will be the douchebag, no longer "you," the gentle reader. Unless, dear reader, you are a douchebag. Regardless, read on.
Note: I would never presume to rank your grotesque flaws in order from least to most odious. They are all equally inexcusable and intolerable. The numbering system is for the referencing convenience of readers who wish to cite these points at some future date.
50. We're your oldest friends because everyone else you've known longer has successfully hidden from you. And... we're not your friends.
49. Telling tedious stories in which people you met at parties remarked upon how smart and interesting you are and how all these girls who are now mysteriously absent now hit on you is worse than having a rectal itch while giving a two hour speech without a podium.
48. No one, not now or ever, will care about your IQ. It's not like we're interested in or capable of checking it. While the casual link between high IQ and success has not been completely proven, the link between telling people your IQ unprompted and being a fucking tool has been. What's the IQ of a retarded cat with leprosy and AIDS? It might be lower than yours, but on the other hand, it has more friends.
47. Remember that time when you told that really unfunny story and you failed to notice the grim silence that followed, so you told another really unfunny story? Hmmm... no? Remember that time you spoke more than two words to us?
46. Not only do you use IRC, you talk about it. Wow, it's cool that some guys from channel #stoners were totally going to have a 420 party with you if you didn't all live in different cities. IRC is like anal sex from horses. I'm not going to pass judgement on what you do in your own time, but if you ever talk with me about it, I hope you die of a perforated colon.
45. Picking toe lint/chunks of rancid meat in public from your feet and teeth, respectively, is not ok.
44. Good god, man, we can tell you don't get much exercize just by looking at you. There's no need to add in whining and moaning to convey that you don't like walking places.
43. Unless you're my Indian blood brother who has been recently tested for AIDS, don't drink soft drinks directly out of my 2 liter bottle. It's ruined for everyone after it's had direct contact with you.
42. This will be repeated many times in this list, but it's so very, very important. That girl was not into you. No girl is into you. No girl will ever be into you. Even wildly drunk girls who later strip naked and pass out in the front yard have enough sense left to vocally reject your crude advances and make several good points about your hideous flaws as a human being.
41. Dean Martin only read one book in his entire life, but he never had pretensions of intellectualism or knowlege. You've read lots of books. Unfortunately, most of them were erotic homosexual Star Trek fan fiction. It's clear that you don't know what the fuck you're talking about, be it the chemical compounds in LSD or the economic progress of China.
40. Don't try to give me advice, be it on relationships or what I should pirate next on bittorrent. Your opinions just won't be a factor in any decision I make, as your choices actively drive you away from the generally-accepted goal of "winning at life" and I can't imagine they would treat me much better.
39. We've stopped short of calling the police to get you to go away, but once we smoke the rest of this weed, we're convening to reconsider our "no cops" policy. It ain't looking good, buddy.
38. When one of us is burdened with hanging out with you, we have to disclose the information in advance during event-planning stages. You're unlikable and presumptious, and if you can't be ditched, the others refuse to be exposed to you for any period of time.
37. Calling an attractive, smart, and funny girl ugly in the hopes that your insults will lower her self-esteem enough that she'll let you fuck her is annoying and ineffective.
36. Saying the word "nigger" in a room full of white people, some of whom with Nazi tattoos, doesn't make you as iconoclastic and subversive as you might think.
35. When you invite yourself places, don't complain that the activities are not to your liking. We're huffing air duster, pissing in the bathroom sinks, and playing "House of the Dead" at the arcade, and our plans sure as fuck aren't changing for you.
34. The only way you can get people to hang out with you is to buy them food or drugs. Still, I think that homeless girl you bought lunch for was pretty impressed by your iPod with three thousand 50 cent remixes. It's worth noting she said she would "hang out [with you] some other time" when you asked if she wanted to go to your apartment to be sheltered from the coming blizzard.
33. The fact that we have a long history of me hating you does not mean that we "go way back" and are now, in fact, "pals."
32. When I called you a "fat idiot with no friends" when I was drunk, I was only vocalizing what I've been thinking ever since I've known you.
31. When I have no choice but to spend the night in your repuslive abode and you have a king sized bed, the proper thing to do is sleep head to toe, as far away from one another as possible. Yes, I realize that you're disgusting and a suspected homosexual rapist, but my desire for sleeping on a non-floor surface outweighs my desire to be as far away from you as possible. I'm already trapped in your cave of eternal annoyance and if you lay a hand on me I'll cut your fucking head off.
30. No one is impressed that you've got "plans" tomorrow with your ex-girlfriend. Congratulations, you've had a failed relationship! And FYI: One botched date does not count as "ex-girlfriend".
29. Listening to nothing but shitty popular rap music does not make you hip, urban, or interesting. It merely serves as yet another indicator that you're irritating and boorish. Yes, that many Clear Channel-owned stations can be wrong.
28. If you love to smoke weed so much, why don't you ever have any on you, fatty?
27. You're honest-to-god so annoying that I will give you some of my pot to make you go away, and I'm a goddamn dealer who doesn't do credit for regular customers.
26. Don't open my goddamn fridge looking for snacks. This is not a national park and you're not a bear who has stumbled upon my improperly stored food. This is my apartment and you're a fat piece of shit who invited yourself over.
25. You think every woman desires you, when in fact, they all find the very concept of you offensive.
24. Cover your goddamn mouth when you cough. It's fucking disgusting the way you belch out spittle and pestilence every time you cough, which is constantly, because you don't know how to smoke cigarettes or pot, yet you're hooked on both.
23. Don't wear sunglasses. Ever. You clearly don't know how to use them. Also: Your medical condition with no name that requires you to wear sunglasses indoors and especially at parties is an obvious and embarrassing fraud.
22. If you're going to assault everyone by wearing a Hawaiian shirt, you can at least buy one large enough to cover your pasty, hairy gut.
21. Why lie about your girlfriend? When we meet her, she's still going to be fat, ugly, and stupid. Don't tell us she gained 150 pounds and got her face caught in a steamroller all within the past week. We're shitty people and we hate you, but we're not stupid.
20. People have moved across town, changed phone numbers, and ended all contact with mutal acquantinces to avoid you. That you can't seem to get in touch with me is not accidental. You weren't a friend I somehow lost touch with. I'm actively fleeing from you, even now.
to be completed....
Opinion one:
Who knew negress was an offensive term?
There are words. Masculine and Feminine. Waiter and waitress. Actor and Actress. Kike and Jewess.
So why, out of all of these terms, has negress been singled out? Call me a simple country bumpkin, but I don't get it. Some of my radio listeners have suggested it was the Jew-run media. That's just plain dumb. I know it's not the Jew-run media, because
the yids hate the negroes. I'm just plain stumped.
Why, would you look at that there? The term negro is all right, but all of a sudden we use 'negress' and it's gone too far? I'll probably get angry letters from feminazis and other dykes just for having the word "negress" appear in print! Even though I'm discussing the controversy surrounding the word and not using it in a derogatory fashion!
This country is hurtling into a crisis, thanks to the culture of political correctness and homosexuality. Please, have some sense. The word negress is just another slang term. It's no more offensive than a nickname like sparky or junior or spic or coon.
Edits to follow.
*"Campus" may include, but is not limited to, "strip mall," "industrial park off the Interstate" or "that couch in your parents' basement where you consider calling that blonde chick with the 80s bangs from the University of Phoneix commercials."
** Not you. Get the fuck out of here. Issues are being discussed that will go over your head so far and so fast they'll circle the planet and go over your head a second, third, and fourth time.
Feature 1:
Charley Horse is a stupid term for an incredibly painful muscle cramp
I remember the first time I got a charley horse. I had been looking forward to it for a while, actually. Who wouldn't, with such a lighthearted and friendly name?
I had prepared for it, hoping to woo it, like a first lover. I lit candles. I put on "Pure Moods." I bought flowers, which I later ate in a drunken haze because I had mistaken them for a cookie bouquet. But to make up for depriving the very classy and high-maintenance charley horse of her floral tribute, I drank 14 shots, was severely dehydrated, and fell asleep under my leg. As I drifted off into sleep, I thought of nothing but joyfully riding a charley horse on the open range.
to be completed....
Article one:
No one fucking likes you, reasons 50-20.
I dedicate this list to all of those who, for varying reasons, from simple social timidness to needing a pardon from the governor to stop an execution minutes before midnight, are forced to associate with, communicate with, and generally "hang" with massive douchebags. This may be the douchebag who pays half the rent, the one who Knows Or Is Related To Very Important People, or the douchebag with deep enough pockets that being around them is like prostitution, though less sticky. Regardless of your individual situation, this list has been compiled to let you know that you're not alone, and the crimes commited against you will not be forgotten.
From this point on, the "you" will be the douchebag, no longer "you," the gentle reader. Unless, dear reader, you are a douchebag. Regardless, read on.
Note: I would never presume to rank your grotesque flaws in order from least to most odious. They are all equally inexcusable and intolerable. The numbering system is for the referencing convenience of readers who wish to cite these points at some future date.
50. We're your oldest friends because everyone else you've known longer has successfully hidden from you. And... we're not your friends.
49. Telling tedious stories in which people you met at parties remarked upon how smart and interesting you are and how all these girls who are now mysteriously absent now hit on you is worse than having a rectal itch while giving a two hour speech without a podium.
48. No one, not now or ever, will care about your IQ. It's not like we're interested in or capable of checking it. While the casual link between high IQ and success has not been completely proven, the link between telling people your IQ unprompted and being a fucking tool has been. What's the IQ of a retarded cat with leprosy and AIDS? It might be lower than yours, but on the other hand, it has more friends.
47. Remember that time when you told that really unfunny story and you failed to notice the grim silence that followed, so you told another really unfunny story? Hmmm... no? Remember that time you spoke more than two words to us?
46. Not only do you use IRC, you talk about it. Wow, it's cool that some guys from channel #stoners were totally going to have a 420 party with you if you didn't all live in different cities. IRC is like anal sex from horses. I'm not going to pass judgement on what you do in your own time, but if you ever talk with me about it, I hope you die of a perforated colon.
45. Picking toe lint/chunks of rancid meat in public from your feet and teeth, respectively, is not ok.
44. Good god, man, we can tell you don't get much exercize just by looking at you. There's no need to add in whining and moaning to convey that you don't like walking places.
43. Unless you're my Indian blood brother who has been recently tested for AIDS, don't drink soft drinks directly out of my 2 liter bottle. It's ruined for everyone after it's had direct contact with you.
42. This will be repeated many times in this list, but it's so very, very important. That girl was not into you. No girl is into you. No girl will ever be into you. Even wildly drunk girls who later strip naked and pass out in the front yard have enough sense left to vocally reject your crude advances and make several good points about your hideous flaws as a human being.
41. Dean Martin only read one book in his entire life, but he never had pretensions of intellectualism or knowlege. You've read lots of books. Unfortunately, most of them were erotic homosexual Star Trek fan fiction. It's clear that you don't know what the fuck you're talking about, be it the chemical compounds in LSD or the economic progress of China.
40. Don't try to give me advice, be it on relationships or what I should pirate next on bittorrent. Your opinions just won't be a factor in any decision I make, as your choices actively drive you away from the generally-accepted goal of "winning at life" and I can't imagine they would treat me much better.
39. We've stopped short of calling the police to get you to go away, but once we smoke the rest of this weed, we're convening to reconsider our "no cops" policy. It ain't looking good, buddy.
38. When one of us is burdened with hanging out with you, we have to disclose the information in advance during event-planning stages. You're unlikable and presumptious, and if you can't be ditched, the others refuse to be exposed to you for any period of time.
37. Calling an attractive, smart, and funny girl ugly in the hopes that your insults will lower her self-esteem enough that she'll let you fuck her is annoying and ineffective.
36. Saying the word "nigger" in a room full of white people, some of whom with Nazi tattoos, doesn't make you as iconoclastic and subversive as you might think.
35. When you invite yourself places, don't complain that the activities are not to your liking. We're huffing air duster, pissing in the bathroom sinks, and playing "House of the Dead" at the arcade, and our plans sure as fuck aren't changing for you.
34. The only way you can get people to hang out with you is to buy them food or drugs. Still, I think that homeless girl you bought lunch for was pretty impressed by your iPod with three thousand 50 cent remixes. It's worth noting she said she would "hang out [with you] some other time" when you asked if she wanted to go to your apartment to be sheltered from the coming blizzard.
33. The fact that we have a long history of me hating you does not mean that we "go way back" and are now, in fact, "pals."
32. When I called you a "fat idiot with no friends" when I was drunk, I was only vocalizing what I've been thinking ever since I've known you.
31. When I have no choice but to spend the night in your repuslive abode and you have a king sized bed, the proper thing to do is sleep head to toe, as far away from one another as possible. Yes, I realize that you're disgusting and a suspected homosexual rapist, but my desire for sleeping on a non-floor surface outweighs my desire to be as far away from you as possible. I'm already trapped in your cave of eternal annoyance and if you lay a hand on me I'll cut your fucking head off.
30. No one is impressed that you've got "plans" tomorrow with your ex-girlfriend. Congratulations, you've had a failed relationship! And FYI: One botched date does not count as "ex-girlfriend".
29. Listening to nothing but shitty popular rap music does not make you hip, urban, or interesting. It merely serves as yet another indicator that you're irritating and boorish. Yes, that many Clear Channel-owned stations can be wrong.
28. If you love to smoke weed so much, why don't you ever have any on you, fatty?
27. You're honest-to-god so annoying that I will give you some of my pot to make you go away, and I'm a goddamn dealer who doesn't do credit for regular customers.
26. Don't open my goddamn fridge looking for snacks. This is not a national park and you're not a bear who has stumbled upon my improperly stored food. This is my apartment and you're a fat piece of shit who invited yourself over.
25. You think every woman desires you, when in fact, they all find the very concept of you offensive.
24. Cover your goddamn mouth when you cough. It's fucking disgusting the way you belch out spittle and pestilence every time you cough, which is constantly, because you don't know how to smoke cigarettes or pot, yet you're hooked on both.
23. Don't wear sunglasses. Ever. You clearly don't know how to use them. Also: Your medical condition with no name that requires you to wear sunglasses indoors and especially at parties is an obvious and embarrassing fraud.
22. If you're going to assault everyone by wearing a Hawaiian shirt, you can at least buy one large enough to cover your pasty, hairy gut.
21. Why lie about your girlfriend? When we meet her, she's still going to be fat, ugly, and stupid. Don't tell us she gained 150 pounds and got her face caught in a steamroller all within the past week. We're shitty people and we hate you, but we're not stupid.
20. People have moved across town, changed phone numbers, and ended all contact with mutal acquantinces to avoid you. That you can't seem to get in touch with me is not accidental. You weren't a friend I somehow lost touch with. I'm actively fleeing from you, even now.
to be completed....
Opinion one:
Who knew negress was an offensive term?
There are words. Masculine and Feminine. Waiter and waitress. Actor and Actress. Kike and Jewess.
So why, out of all of these terms, has negress been singled out? Call me a simple country bumpkin, but I don't get it. Some of my radio listeners have suggested it was the Jew-run media. That's just plain dumb. I know it's not the Jew-run media, because
the yids hate the negroes. I'm just plain stumped.
Why, would you look at that there? The term negro is all right, but all of a sudden we use 'negress' and it's gone too far? I'll probably get angry letters from feminazis and other dykes just for having the word "negress" appear in print! Even though I'm discussing the controversy surrounding the word and not using it in a derogatory fashion!
This country is hurtling into a crisis, thanks to the culture of political correctness and homosexuality. Please, have some sense. The word negress is just another slang term. It's no more offensive than a nickname like sparky or junior or spic or coon.
Edits to follow.
posted by Tristan Tzara at 7:56 PM
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