Mr Fucking Manners: Tips on being a gentleman and a scholar

I just stepped outside of my room, not quite drunk but certainly a grade beyond tipsy. There's nothing to do. Of course. No one is doing anything cool. I heard a football game on television and a very boring kid talking in a booming yet whining voice about this flaming lips concert and how they're totally the best band. Then I went into the bathroom to take a piss. I stared at myself in the mirror while peeing, to see myself listing slighty. What's that you ask? Yes little pig, that's how the urinal is set up. there's the mirror, a space over, then the two urinals. There is a conrete barrier just high enough up to ensure that the humble mirror viewer is not exposed to penis in addition to his own reflection, but goddamn, what a stupid design. Who wants to look at themselves while they're peeing. Even worse, there are only two urinals right next to each other. As any guy can tell you, two urinals without and partition between them are completely worthless. Might as well just have one. The simple reasoning is this. No one wants to stand next to another guy who is literally "holding his piece" just a few inches from you. That's not how it works. You need a one urinal buffer zone. Without it, there's a danger that someday, some drunken or otherwise socially deviant person would start up a urinal-side chat, in the tradition of FDR, though piss and penii would probably play a more dominant role than economic recovery and national pride. Here's an appocolyptic fantasy conversation of what would happen.

A: So... are you holding your penis will urine is ejected from it at a varying rate of speed depending on the fullness of your bladder?
B: Yep.
A: WHAT? YOU'RE HOLDING YOUR MEAT, RIGHT NOW, RIGHT HERE!?
B: Yep.
*pause*
A: How many shakes do you think you get before it counts as masturbation?
B: I'd say five, but then again, I'm circumsized so I don't need as many.
A: Oh. So what are some other characteristics of your penis?
B: Well, I have this wierd vein running up the top part of it, and it kind of hooks to the left, but it's not a boomerang cock.
A: Wow, I'm getting a real clear picture of what your penis looks like.
*B finishes urinating*
B: The human body is so fucking disgusting. It's fucking retarded to have the urinary and reproductive systems linked like this. *waves penis about for emphasis*


Moving on the shit-list. Literally. Don't laugh. The bathroom is filled with excrement that is both in and out of toilet bowls. The bathroom is fucking filthy. Wild packs of dogs will at least use a designated 'relieving area'. Sure it may be the corner, but at least it's in one place. This is just... everywhere. As thrilling as it is to be able to piss on the floor and never have to clean it up... it needs to stop. All of it.

Is there anything more endearing than constant complaining? Ha ha ha. Fuck you.

Look. Listen. Read. Learn. Shut the fuck up.

"complaining" is why we are here as a civilization. Someone complained about being cold, and so we made clothing. Someone complained about absolute monarchy and indiscriminate murder, and now we have democracy and laws. This "can do" optimistic spirit would work well in North Korea, but for everywhere else in the world, let's not put a happy face on things that are a) easy to change and b) run contrary to all standards of basic human decency. I'm not asking for mountains to be moved or the construction of a trans-siberian railroad. I just want PEOPLE, that is YOU, to not piss on the floor, to flush the fucking toilet, and to not wad up toilet tissue and throw it about like confetti.

In neolithic society, you would be the one who would shout down complaints about eating raw meat, not having tools and dying at age 20, but if you keep it up, you may be lucky enough to live as they did.